The Thing Is...

Current Mood: cynical

Okay, boys and girls, let’s go over a few etiquette rules for dating…Particularly the first date, and what not to do…And mind you, much of this is based on personal experience, sadly enough.

Punctuality

Be on time. It is recommended that you are no more than ten minutes late. Your date should not be forced to sit at home, or at the pre-determined meeting destination by herself/himself. It is HIGHLY recommended that if you are, for any reason, going to be more than ten minutes late, and do not want your date to assume that she/he has been stood-up, that you call. Everyone has a cell phone. I know this, because I see you all driving around with them stuck to your ears. I would be driving with mine stuck to my ear, but I recently get a very hefty ticket for that. Call and explain how VERY sorry you are, and insist that as soon as you put out the engine fire on your car/truck/SUV/scooter, you will hop into a cab and be on your way.  Is that asking too much?

Money

Let’s talk money for a minute, shall we? Guys? Offer to pay. Seriously. I know that feminism and women’s liberation is a great thing…believe me, I’m all yay and woohoo about it, but a little chivalry is nice too. Hold the door open, offer me the sticky, stale beer covered stool, hold my hair when I puke…Maybe not that last one…Got a rubber band for that. But seriously, you’re wooing me, remember? I said yes to the date…First obstacle down…but don’t think the game is over. You have the ball…What are you going to do with it? Fumble, or run it in for a touchdown…Or maybe just stand around with it and make stupid foodball metaphors? Offer to pay! And girls? That doesn’t mean he should have to get every round for the rest of eternity. It’s a give and take kinda deal, right? You can buy a round, too, or pop a few quarters into the dart machine. Suffragettes around the globe will smile kindly on you when you doJ

Listen When We Speak

It is recommended that you not ask the same question twice, and it is highly recommended that you not ask the same question four or more times, then acting completely shocked by the response, as if you had never heard it before and would never have guessed the answer. When we speak, it is for a reason. It I want to talk and have no one listen, I’ll chat with my cat…Or possibly some higher-ups at work. If we are on a date and you are asking questions, LISTEN to my answers! At least PRETEND that you are interested.
At the same time, do not talk incessantly about yourself. I want to get to know you, I do…but you don’t need to tell me about every drunken frat party you ever went to, or about ever single memo you wrote at work. Pace yourself…There will be plenty of time for that later…Unless, of course, I end up miserable and/or bored while with you, staring at my watch and wondering if I can make it home in time for CSI.

Also…here’s a little tip…It is a proven fact (according to some random, scientific test done by a group of people who were given way too much money by the government), that men believe they have had a better time on a date when they have done most of the talking. So girls, if the guy won’t SHUT UP…at least he’ll remember you as someone who was a lot of fun to be out with, in case you need a reference or something.

Phrases I NEVER want to hear again

1.      Bar-scene…As in, I’m so sick of the bar scene. Yeah, we all are…Move on, you drunken wall-flower. It’s so over-used, I just wanna puke when I hear it.

2.      Easy-going…As in, I’m just an easy-going guy. First of all, that isn’t really something you TELL someone on a date. You either are easy-going or you’re not. I’ll be able to tell very quickly. For instance, if we are at a bar, and after sending your fruity martini drink thing back for the third time because it just wasn’t what you were hoping passion fruit would taste like, you then ask the bartender what special cosmo mixes they have that night, and could she not charge you extra for trying two different flavors…You do not need to then sit back and say “yeah, I’m just an easy-going guy.” Because, guess what…You’re not!

3.      Game-playing…As in, I’m looking for a girl who is not into game-playing, or, I don’t play games. Kinda with number two…You don’t need to tell me that…Telling me that is kinda like playing a game. Plus…Saying you don’t want a girl that plays games makes me wonder about what kind of baggage you’re carrying around. Don’t get me wrong…we all have baggage…but while my baggage may be “I can’t believe I thought I was in love with that guy whose name I can’t remember,” Yours might be “All women are evil, lying bitches,” and while you may not be wrong…Why should I hang around, waiting to prove your theory right?

4.      I have a good sense of humor...As in, I have a good sense of humor. Um…here’s a really good way to tell if that’s true, without saying it…Am I laughing? No? Then you’re not funny!

5.      Go-getter…As in, I am a real go-getter at work. Oh yeah? Hm…then why are you using a phrase that my father used…In 1985? Maybe you are really successful. Maybe you’re a hard worker and you’ve earned your way up the ladder. Maybe your lips are permanently attached to your boss’s ass…Thing is…That’s great, but using a word like go-getter…It kinda makes me wanna kill youJ Sorry…it just does.

Also, as a side note, please don’t brag that you “came up with free checking” at the bank that I’ve had a free checking account at longer than you’ve been an employee there. Also, do not, EVER tell me that you, as an accountant, are more of an artist than I will ever be. Numbers are super…They do great things, like putting two apples together, or making calculus students cry, but adding and subtracting and figuring out the square root of a number too high for me to even think of? That’s not art! Sorry, don’t mean to be a bitch…It’s just not.

And while we’re at it, telling me that you’re paranoid to have your back to the bar door because someone might come in a “start something” is NOT attractive. Neither is saying absolutely nothing all night and just staring at my chest. They’re nice. I know. Take a look and let’s move on!